Details on Newest Paris Hilton Scandal.

Beverly Hills, CA.  Paris Hilton, A-list Hollywood actress and star of the hit films Bottom’s Up and The Hottie and The Nottie was involved in a scandalous, embarrassing incident on Wednesday morning June 30, 2010 that may jeopardize the mega-thespian’s future career. 

At approximately 6:44 AM, Ms. Hilton was seen leaving a 7-11 convenience store on the outskirts of Beverly Hills.  According to reports, the actress was on her way home from an overnight session on Sunset Boulevard where she was researching a potential film role of an alcoholic prostitute when she quickly veered into the convenience store’s parking lot, double-parked and shambled into the store at an extremely brisk pace.

Rageesh Patell, the store’s owner and manager was on duty at the time and reports that Paris did not buy a single item from the store.  He claims that she bee-lined directly into the Unisex restroom where she stayed with the door locked for approximately four minutes. 

I was able to contact Mr. Patell about this potentially harrowing situation for Ms. Hilton.  Below is a transcript from the instant message interview conducted this morning:

Me: Good morning Mr. Patell.  Can you describe in detail Ms. Hilton’s visit to your store this morning?

Patell: Yes.

Me: OK….

Patell: Yes?

Me: Please describe what transpired in your store this morning.

Patell: What means teanspired?

Me: What happened when Paris Hilton visited your store today?

Patell: She run into store and run into bathroom.  She keep door locked and stay in there long time.  When she leave she come out with sunglasses on and hurry out of store.

Me: Was there anything unusual about Ms. Hilton’s appearance upon entering or leaving your store?

Patell: Yes.

Me: Explain, please

Patell: she was walk very funny when she come in like with legs together and she slam door to bathroom.  When she leave I go into bathroom to check and there was toilet paper on the floor and there was funny smell like dog poo mixed with pencil shavings.  My wife buy paris Hilton perfume at TJ Maxx on sale last week and bathroom smell like that but with other funny smell.

Unfortunately, at this point in the interview I lost connection with Mr. Patell and was unable to resume. 

From the information gathered, it appears as though Ms. Hilton was simply at the store to use the public restroom for personal reasons.  Paris Hilton is refusing to comment on the situation although reports have surfaced that there is surveillance footage of her entering and leaving the grimy bathroom.  A statement was released by one of Hilton’s publicists regarding this embarrassing incident.  We are the first official media source to have a copy of this statement.

According to the publicist: “It is a sad day in America when my client would be accused of using a public restroom to use the toilet.  I’d like to assure everyone concerned that Ms. Hilton would never demean herself in such a manner and she was not, I repeat, was NOT at the convenience store to perform the disgusting deed that the media is implying.  There is a simple and logical explanation for this occurrence and it is my job to clarify that Paris was simply using the bathroom to snort cocaine.  She was recovering from a long night of research and needed a bit of a boost in order to make it home.  Paris would like to ensure all of her fans that this is one hundred percent true and she has never used a common person’s bathroom for any purpose other than to ingest drugs. She is disgusted by these implications and wishes to have her name cleared.  As a result of these reports, Ms. Hilton is under an extreme amount of duress and has consulted a family doctor.  In order to help her recover, the Doctor has tripled Ms. Hilton’s Xanax prescription for anxiety and doubled her Vicodin prescription for the tension headaches that she has been suffering since this morning.  Ms. Hilton will spend the next few days at her home in recovery. She would like to move on with her productive career and leave this discomforting event behind her.  Thank you for your support during this terrible time.”

As soon as any other news surfaces, I will be on top of reporting and keeping everyone updated.  How this will affect Paris Hilton’s image is yet to be seen.

         

Blog Sites Suck Ass

I've been running this blog for nearly 12 hours now and I've yet to make a goddamned cent!  This piece of shit blog site even managed to somehow fuck up the formatting of my last article.  Who the hell reads blogs anyway?  Obviously no-one b/c I've only got 3 followers.  It's a damn disgrace.  Now start reading my news articles and help me to change my opinion about blogging sites.

Nine Year Old Kleptomaniac Arrested Again; Mother Blames Nintendo Wii.

Des Moines, Iowa. In a rather strange and disturbing case, a nine year old boy was arrested on June 28, 2010 for stealing cigarettes from a local WalMart. Although the boy is only nine years of age, he has had an extensive history of stealing beginning at the age of three. This latest arrest is the fifty-fourth time that Stephen Hulk or “Stealin Stevie”, as his friends and family members refer to him, has been caught shoplifting in the past six years. Counselors who have been working with the boy for the past few years believe that he has stolen more than one thousand items from stores and are looking into treatment options for Kleptomania, a condition where a person has a compulsion to steal without reason.

Stephen’s mother, Andrea Krame has a different explanation for her boy’s actions and is in the process of attempting to file suit against the videogame company Nintendo. Andrea claims that her son is not a Kleptomaniac, but rather has been influenced to steal by the popular children’s game “Animal Crossing” manufactured by Nintendo.

“Stealin Stevie’s always been a weird kid, but there’s no way in hell he’s one of those Klepto freaks. I know what’s going on here and them damn videogames is the cause for him stealing.” This is the response that Andrea had given when she was called to the police station to pick up her son this morning.

According to Andrea, Stephen has been playing the game “Animal Crossing” extensively for the past 6 months on a Nintendo Wii that he had stolen from a local neighbor’s house. Andrea says that Stephen discovered a “cheat code” for the game in a file on a computer that he had recently stolen. The code allows for players to enter a series of numbers which will then allow all of the collectible items in the game to be had for free. Another quote from Andrea sheds some light on her viewpoint of the game and it’s cause for Stephen’s erratic behavior: “What the hell are they thinking teaching kids that they can get whatever they want for free? That shit ain’t right and that’s why my little angel’s been getting arrested all of the time. Nintendo is wrong and those Japs are gonna pay for my familiy’s suffering.” Andrea is seeking a claim of Twenty-five million dollars and thirty thousand cartons of “Kool” cigarettes from Nintendo in exchange for the turmoil that the company has caused her family. She also believes that once she wins the settlement, she will give Stephen a few dollars to buy some necessities and this will help teach him that stealing is wrong.

When asked why Stephen brazenly stole the cigarettes from behind the checkout of the local Walmart before attempting to dash out the door his response was: “Ma was bitchin all day about not having no cigs and she told me to find some for her, so I found them at the store.”

Oil Disaster Pummels Small PA Town

The latest in a series of disasters has humbled a small town in Northeastern, PA. Naticoke, Pennsylvania which was well known in the their region for being a major coal mining town in the 1930's was sent into a state of shock and panic this weekend. What was recently the scene of village-wide celebration in honor of the grand opening of a new Applebee's restaurant has turned into a nightmare for many of the town's four thousand plus citizens. On Sunday, June 27th 2010 at approximately 2:45 PM disaster struck when an Applebee's delivery truck capsized spilling nearly twenty-three tons of an oil like substance throughout the town's main shopping district and town square. All four businesses, including the local beer distributor were affected by the spill. The town had already been suffering from problems with sewage backup due to a lack of funding for the work force. Now with the spill, the conditions have intensified exponentially as the town is filled with what can only be described as sludge. According to one very respected local citizen who wished to remain anonymous: "I seen some bad shit happen here, but I ain't seen nothing like this."

According to reports from Applebee's, the spill was not the fault of the company but was caused by the poor conditions of the roads in this hilly Pennsylvania town. Applebee's was gearing up for a huge grand opening including all you can eat chili cheese fries set to begin on Monday, June 28th at 6:45 PM. Now what was once the biggest event in town history has turned into the worst disaster in Nanticoke since the tragic fire at the We Got Beer distributor in 1985 where over three thousand cases of the local favorite beer, Steigmeir was lost causing riots and destruction.

As of Monday morning, June 28th not much has been done to remedy the situation. The scene of the town is somber, to say the least. Many homes which had signs adorning their front yards with slogans such as "Chili cheese fries!!!" and "Let's go Appelbes!" have reverted back to their simple decor-less facades as signs are being torn down left and right. There have been reports of local children being stuck in trees as a tee ball field was hit with a tsunami of sludge during a local game on Sunday. Parents on concerned onlookers have surrounded the field from a nearby hill to hold vigil praying for the childrens' safe rescue. No attempt has yet been made to retract the preschoolers from the trees as many of the town's citizens are afraid to set foot in the strange substance. Jim Mackey, a local mechanic who is currently out of work offered this statement from his resting place at the hill overlooking the field: "You gots to be fuckin crazy to try to walk in that shit. I think it's meltin the bottom of the trees". This pretty much sums up the turmoil that parents are forced to deal with as they listen to the wails of their dehydrated children with no hope in sight.

While the spill has largely affected the majority of the town, not all of the residents are viewing this event as painful. Jerry Farbar, owner of the local pierogi shop We Got Pierogis! was not fazed in the least bit when the spill occurred. Farbar, who claims to have tasted the substance has been working around the clock collecting gallon buckets off of the streets and out of the fields. Farbar declined an interview, but one local resident reported hearing Farbar yell out "That's fuckin lard and MSG! I ain't gotta buy none for at least a year now!". Whether or not this claim is true cannot be verified. Applebee's has received criticism in the past for offering high-fat unhealthy meals, but still claims that they only use the highest quality pure vegetable oil in their menu-selections.

As this article is being written an update has come in. An Applebee's customer service representative has made a statement that even though the spill was not their fault, they will do everything that they can to help restore order amidst the chaos. The representative confirmed the the board of directors has approved a plan to hand out free spoons and unlimited gallon jugs to any residents who are willing to volunteer to help with the clean-up process. Early reports indicate that every citizen that is able to collect six or more gallons of the oil and return it to Applebee's will receive free chili cheese fries for life with every purchase over $50.00 if Applebee's decides to go forward with the opening of this latest franchise after the situation is resolved.

Marge Dowdy, the local cobbler's wife has stated that she will encourage her husband to aid in the cleanup starting tomorrow. Today is Marge's 54th birthday and her and her husband had planned a special night of chili cheese fries consumption. In a brief interview, a despondent Marge stated "I guess we'll be goin to fuckin Burger King again. That's what we been doing since the Woolworth's closed down in 88." Unfortunately for Marge, she may have to wait until next year for a special birthday treat. I ask that your prayers remain with the citizens of Naticoke, PA in this horrible time of need.