Thought For Today

      Oatmeal is strictly for fools and jesters.

Cause for California Wildfires Discovered

        Wildfires sweeping through a large area of Southern California this morning have created a sense of panic throughout the state.  Authorities believe that they may have found the cause and are looking into whether or not legal action will be taken.

         Earlier today, a hiker in the vicinity of the fires discovered a man passed out on the ground with his arm on fire.  The man was identified as actor Tom Sizemore of Saving Private Ryan and Good Dog, Bad Dog fame. 

         Sizemore was incoherent and did not seem to notice that his arm was on fire.  He was unsure of his identity or whereabouts and demanded for the anonymous hiker to (paraphrased) “leave him the fuck alone and let him sleep, goddamnit”. The actor was dragged to a safe area by the good Samaritan who proceeded to urinate on Sizemore’s arm to put out the flames.  Sizemore then curled up on a rock and went to sleep.  He has not been seen since, but a homemade pipe common for methamphetamine use and a large propane torch were discovered in the vicinity of where Sizemore was initially discovered.

         No further news has yet to have been released.

Anal People Annoy Me!

     Quick post, but I have to vent...  I was at Walmart today and had to wait in line for an extra three to five minutes because some asshole was bickering because the gallon of water that he was purchasing came up TWENTY FOUR cents over what the "sale" price was.  This toolbox complained incessantly and had to make me wait for a manager to cancel his order and re-do it so he could save a fucking QUARTER!  Instead of saying anything, I held my tongue, but people of this type just drive me insane.  Did I do the right thing by not commenting or should I have kicked him in the shin and told him to shut the fuck up?

**Editor's note:
  
    This article is shit and was written in the middle of the night while I was very sleepy.  I do have some better stories of similar situations that may be a bit more interesting.  Don't hate me for writing garbage every now and again!

Kate Gosselin is Ready to Shock the World

Actress Kate Gosselin is presently looking into experimental fertility treatments in hopes of having more children.  The runaway star actress of the hit shows John and Kate Plus 8 and Kate Plus 8 is undergoing massive hormone therapy in hopes of being the first woman on record to have fourteen children in one pregnancy. 

         According to Kate, “Eight little bastards is one hell of an annoyance, but look at all of the money that they’ve made me.  Plus, I’m now a huge celebrity thanks to those little fuckers.  Can you imagine the publicity I’d get if I pumped out 14 more?  TLC would probably pay out the ass for Kate and Some Dude that She’s Banging Plus 14!  I just care about my kids’ future and I have vowed to save two percent of the profits that I’m making from exploiting my kids to buy them something nice when they get a bit older and learn to behave. Let’s just help that this works out.”

         When her hormone treatment is finished, Gosselin is planning on having a conceiving special to be aired on pay per view at a later date.  She plans to have sex with as many men as possible in a row on live television in order to ensure that she gets pregnant by “multiple studs” in hopes of producing at least fourteen new babies.  Details on applying to be a participant in Kate’s special will be announced soon.  In order to apply, you must be male (either straight or gay) between the ages of seventeen and sixty-four and there is a $200 charge to have the opportunity to participate in the “gang bang” (for lack of a better term).

I Need More Followers!

Come on guys... A month in and I've only got NINE regular followers?  I've got a load of articles lined up for publication, but the lack of interest is making me very, very sad.  If I don't get more followers soon, I may have to take drastic measures and go beat the shit out of some random person at KMart.  No-one wants that to happen, so please subscribe so I can keep putting out quality content and not have to beat anyone up or smash my expensive TV.  Thanks!

**There are also a few new articles up, please look at the links on the right side of the page and try reading some of them before I take a sledgehammer to my car's windshield.

Darth Vader Bank Robber Apprehended

July 23, 2010

         National news is reporting that a man dressed as Darth Vader robbed a Long Island bank earlier this morning. The story is the number second most searched item on Yahoo! And is creating quite a buzz around the internet. 
     (See the story here:  http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100723/ap_on_fe_st/us_odd_darth_vader_bandit_4) 
         New reports have surfaced that the offender may have been captured.  According to first-hand accounts, a man dressed as Captain Kirk from Star Trek fame was seen entering a Star Wars convention being held approximately 250 miles from where the bank robbery took place.

         The man was reportedly acting very belligerent upon entering while calling out for “Any pussy Darth Vaders who like robbing innocent people”.  A small ruckus ensued causing mild chaos before the man pulled out what appeared to be a home-made taser-type gun and threatened to vaporize every Darth Vader in the room unless someone confessed to the crime.  By the time police arrived, the disgruntled Star Trek fan had already attacked and punched more than 25 people dressed as Darth Vader.  He then dragged an unconscious Vader out of the conference room and took off down a side street dragging him by his cape. 

         The man’s whereabouts are now unknown, although police did receive a message stating the following:

         “This is Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise.  It is my sole duty to uphold justice throughout the galaxy and I am pleased to tell you that I now have Darth Vader in custody and it is once again safe for people to go about their daily lives thanks to me.  I’m working with my team to determine a suitable punishment for Vader in retaliation for his heinous crime of robbing a respectable bank of nearly $500 and possibly setting them back weeks or even months.  Darth Vader is evil and I will not allow evil to reign under the watch of Captain T. Kirk.  Also, Star Wars is for faggots.  The Enterprise could blow the shit out of both the Death Star and the Maltese Falcon.   Kirk signing out.”

         This story will be updated as soon as new information is in.

Apple iPhone 4 Cause for Multiple Tragic Deaths

         In rather disturbing news for mega computer corporation Apple, the company’s latest and highest selling product the iPhone4 has been linked to at least 3 deaths nationwide.  The recently released “do it all” communication device has been subject to negative reviews due to poor performance.  While many complaints have surfaced, sales for the iPhone4 have remained consistent despite a possible lawsuit against Apple for false claims regarding the functionality of the device and the multitude of dropped calls and slow internet browsing.

         This latest news for Apple may be the biggest blow against the iPhone4 as family members and law officials are blaming the deaths of three individuals: John Fraun 44, PA, James Ramdyke 19, WV and William Abnerthy 31, CA directly on the iPhone4.

         According to sources, John Fraun was disgruntled while attempting to speak on his iPhone4 while driving.  Due to the poor service and repeated attempts to contact his potential employer to inform them that he would be late for an interview, Mr. Fraun became extremely agitated. Since he always used his right hand to hold his beers while driving, he was attempting the calls while holding the phone in his left. The frustration caused him to throw his phone violently against the windshield of his car.  The phone ricocheted, striking him in the temple and rendering him unconscious.  He then veered off of the road directly into a tree at a very high speed and suffered life ending injuries as a result of the iPhone4.

         Ramdyke of West Virginia was also killed in a freak accident caused by the iPhone.  While attempting phone sex on one of his favorite hotlines, he realized that holding the iPhone4 in his left hand blocked the internal antennae preventing proper reception. He had complained to friends about this, stating that it was “near impossible and very unsatisfying to masturbate with his left hand”.  After numerous dropped calls and the inability to climax on his favorite hotline, Ramdyke repeatedly rammed his head against his bedroom wall causing severe head trauma and a broken neck.  He was taken off of life support a few days ago.

         Abernathy was also having major problems with the new product, and after spending $300 for the phone, plus $700 more for multiple “apps” that didn’t work, he realized that he did not have the money that he needed for his monthly rent and was in danger of eviction.  Sadly, he committed suicide by hanging, leaving a very brief note stating “Fuck Apple and fuck the iPhone!  You ruined my god damn life you bastards!”

         This is a very tragic story that could have been easily avoided if only Apple produced a product that lived up to expectations.  All three families are expected to meet in order to file a wrongful death suit against Apple Corp.  I wish them the best in their time of tragedy and while I don’t usually offer subjective opinions, I hope that Apple suffers for causing the deaths of these three innocent people.

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Lebron James Signs Contract with Dubai.

NBA uber-star Lebron James will hold a six hour press conference tonight to announce his imminent signing with the country of Dubai to play in the NBA beginning in the 2010-11 season. 

According to reports, James will sign a three year 171 million dollar contract with the Dubai King James with hopes of league approval to make the King James a real NBA franchise.  While media speculation over the last week has had Lebron landing in either Chicago, Miami or Cleveland, not many outside of Lebron’s camp have listed Dubai as a possible destination. 

In an early morning pre-press conference press conference from his man-made island in Dubai, Lebron was willing to offer some details on the deal before it is made official tonight:

“I just want to win.  Winning is the most important thing to me and looking over my options, Dubai offered the best chance.  I couldn’t find another city that was willing to commit itself to me fully and in order to win international endorsement deals I felt that I had to make Lebron James even bigger than he is now.  Lebron James is no longer just a player, Lebron James is now a team.  Dubai is hot in the press for celebrity vacations and I’m the biggest celebrity in the history of celebrities, so how can there be a better fit?”

When asked about the state of the franchise he has signed with Lebron was willing to offer some insights about the future of the NBA’s newest potential team:

“I aint worried about the fact that no-one knows that we got a NBA team in Dubai.  I’m Lebron James.  There aint no NBA without King James.  I read somewhere that places in Africa still got kings ruling over them and now there’s a new king in town.  If the NBA wants to survive, they gotta instate the King James as a franchise.  They have no choice.  It’s all about winning.  I can’t stress that enough.  With my own team I’m gonna win so many scoring titles and MVP awards that there’s gonna be no doubt that King James is the best athlete in the history of athletics.  With this new opportunity, I’m aiming to average over 100 points a game.  No-one’s ever done that.  I’m gonna win the MVP award every year I’m in the league.  I’m gonna win every endorsement deal there is.  I’m gonna be selling food processors, scissors, diapers, penis enlargement gel….the possibilities are endless. 

Under current NBA regulations, team salaries are limited to just over 58 million dollars a year.  James’ deal will be paying him around 57 million a year for the next three years before new salary cap rules are expected to be instated. The fact that, as of right now, James is the only player under team contract does not bother him one bit.

“Lebron James is a winner.  Lebron James aint selfish.  When the Prime minister of Dubai offered to pay me the full fifty eight and a half million dollars per season along with the extra forty million I’m getting for bringing in celebrities and NBA players to buy real estate in Dubai, I said no.  I don’t need that kind of attention.  I know they can bring in dudes off the street to play with me for free and I’d still win scoring titles, but that aint what I’m about.  I want players around me who know how to play.  I’m even willing to pay out of my own pocket to fill the roster with dudes making the league minimum to get the right team around me.  I won championships in middle school with dudes that didn’t know how to play.  This is the NBA and I’m ready to take it to the next level. That’s all I’m saying for now.  There’s lots more to it, but I’m not revealing anything else until my pay-per-view signing blowout special tonight.  This aint even official until I announce it to the world tonight.  You guys wanna know where Lebron James is gonna be playing next year?  Order the special.”

Lebron is expected to make his decision official on national television on Thursday, July 8, 2010 sometime between 7:00 PM and 1:00 AM eastern standard time in between performances from Jay-Z and timeshare infomercials.  The special will be available for all international cable customers for $39.99.  Please contact your local cable provider for more details.

Heat Wave Crippling my Writing Skills

     I want to take this opportunity to apologize to my six readers for not posting anything new the past few days.  Our air conditioning has shit out at the worst possible time and the resulting puddles of sweat on my keyboard has made it increasingly difficult to type.  I do have some leads on a few good stories for later in the week, but it's taking all that I have just to get these words out.  I'm off to Sunoco to get some more ice for my balls and I'll try my best to get back to work within the next day or two.

Possible Cause for Marijuana Addiction Revealed

        In groundbreaking new research, scientists at world-renowned Oxford University in Oxford, England have discovered that patchouli oil may be the cause for marijuana addiction.

Extensive studies have been conducted over the past twelve years linking the use of the semi-popular fragrance to that of marijuana smoking.  In order to complete the experiment, scientists and volunteers have been encouraged to bring in anyone off of the street who smells like patchouli.  Out of over two thousand test subjects, nearly fifty-six percent of the wearers of patchouli were stoned at the time. 

Considering the percentages, the scientists have theorized that the use of patchouli oil may cause the desire to smoke marijuana.  Head researcher, Professor Alexander Julia is intending on warning people all over the world of the dangers of patchouli. He encourages anyone interested in the scent to consider the options and the possibility of drug addiction before using.  With this revolutionary experiment completed, the same scientists are moving on to their next experiment in hopes of solving the major drug use problem plaguing the UK; determining whether the use of incense may also be a cause for addiction.  New updates will be revealed as they come in.

Details on Newest Paris Hilton Scandal.

Beverly Hills, CA.  Paris Hilton, A-list Hollywood actress and star of the hit films Bottom’s Up and The Hottie and The Nottie was involved in a scandalous, embarrassing incident on Wednesday morning June 30, 2010 that may jeopardize the mega-thespian’s future career. 

At approximately 6:44 AM, Ms. Hilton was seen leaving a 7-11 convenience store on the outskirts of Beverly Hills.  According to reports, the actress was on her way home from an overnight session on Sunset Boulevard where she was researching a potential film role of an alcoholic prostitute when she quickly veered into the convenience store’s parking lot, double-parked and shambled into the store at an extremely brisk pace.

Rageesh Patell, the store’s owner and manager was on duty at the time and reports that Paris did not buy a single item from the store.  He claims that she bee-lined directly into the Unisex restroom where she stayed with the door locked for approximately four minutes. 

I was able to contact Mr. Patell about this potentially harrowing situation for Ms. Hilton.  Below is a transcript from the instant message interview conducted this morning:

Me: Good morning Mr. Patell.  Can you describe in detail Ms. Hilton’s visit to your store this morning?

Patell: Yes.

Me: OK….

Patell: Yes?

Me: Please describe what transpired in your store this morning.

Patell: What means teanspired?

Me: What happened when Paris Hilton visited your store today?

Patell: She run into store and run into bathroom.  She keep door locked and stay in there long time.  When she leave she come out with sunglasses on and hurry out of store.

Me: Was there anything unusual about Ms. Hilton’s appearance upon entering or leaving your store?

Patell: Yes.

Me: Explain, please

Patell: she was walk very funny when she come in like with legs together and she slam door to bathroom.  When she leave I go into bathroom to check and there was toilet paper on the floor and there was funny smell like dog poo mixed with pencil shavings.  My wife buy paris Hilton perfume at TJ Maxx on sale last week and bathroom smell like that but with other funny smell.

Unfortunately, at this point in the interview I lost connection with Mr. Patell and was unable to resume. 

From the information gathered, it appears as though Ms. Hilton was simply at the store to use the public restroom for personal reasons.  Paris Hilton is refusing to comment on the situation although reports have surfaced that there is surveillance footage of her entering and leaving the grimy bathroom.  A statement was released by one of Hilton’s publicists regarding this embarrassing incident.  We are the first official media source to have a copy of this statement.

According to the publicist: “It is a sad day in America when my client would be accused of using a public restroom to use the toilet.  I’d like to assure everyone concerned that Ms. Hilton would never demean herself in such a manner and she was not, I repeat, was NOT at the convenience store to perform the disgusting deed that the media is implying.  There is a simple and logical explanation for this occurrence and it is my job to clarify that Paris was simply using the bathroom to snort cocaine.  She was recovering from a long night of research and needed a bit of a boost in order to make it home.  Paris would like to ensure all of her fans that this is one hundred percent true and she has never used a common person’s bathroom for any purpose other than to ingest drugs. She is disgusted by these implications and wishes to have her name cleared.  As a result of these reports, Ms. Hilton is under an extreme amount of duress and has consulted a family doctor.  In order to help her recover, the Doctor has tripled Ms. Hilton’s Xanax prescription for anxiety and doubled her Vicodin prescription for the tension headaches that she has been suffering since this morning.  Ms. Hilton will spend the next few days at her home in recovery. She would like to move on with her productive career and leave this discomforting event behind her.  Thank you for your support during this terrible time.”

As soon as any other news surfaces, I will be on top of reporting and keeping everyone updated.  How this will affect Paris Hilton’s image is yet to be seen.

         

Blog Sites Suck Ass

I've been running this blog for nearly 12 hours now and I've yet to make a goddamned cent!  This piece of shit blog site even managed to somehow fuck up the formatting of my last article.  Who the hell reads blogs anyway?  Obviously no-one b/c I've only got 3 followers.  It's a damn disgrace.  Now start reading my news articles and help me to change my opinion about blogging sites.

Nine Year Old Kleptomaniac Arrested Again; Mother Blames Nintendo Wii.

Des Moines, Iowa. In a rather strange and disturbing case, a nine year old boy was arrested on June 28, 2010 for stealing cigarettes from a local WalMart. Although the boy is only nine years of age, he has had an extensive history of stealing beginning at the age of three. This latest arrest is the fifty-fourth time that Stephen Hulk or “Stealin Stevie”, as his friends and family members refer to him, has been caught shoplifting in the past six years. Counselors who have been working with the boy for the past few years believe that he has stolen more than one thousand items from stores and are looking into treatment options for Kleptomania, a condition where a person has a compulsion to steal without reason.

Stephen’s mother, Andrea Krame has a different explanation for her boy’s actions and is in the process of attempting to file suit against the videogame company Nintendo. Andrea claims that her son is not a Kleptomaniac, but rather has been influenced to steal by the popular children’s game “Animal Crossing” manufactured by Nintendo.

“Stealin Stevie’s always been a weird kid, but there’s no way in hell he’s one of those Klepto freaks. I know what’s going on here and them damn videogames is the cause for him stealing.” This is the response that Andrea had given when she was called to the police station to pick up her son this morning.

According to Andrea, Stephen has been playing the game “Animal Crossing” extensively for the past 6 months on a Nintendo Wii that he had stolen from a local neighbor’s house. Andrea says that Stephen discovered a “cheat code” for the game in a file on a computer that he had recently stolen. The code allows for players to enter a series of numbers which will then allow all of the collectible items in the game to be had for free. Another quote from Andrea sheds some light on her viewpoint of the game and it’s cause for Stephen’s erratic behavior: “What the hell are they thinking teaching kids that they can get whatever they want for free? That shit ain’t right and that’s why my little angel’s been getting arrested all of the time. Nintendo is wrong and those Japs are gonna pay for my familiy’s suffering.” Andrea is seeking a claim of Twenty-five million dollars and thirty thousand cartons of “Kool” cigarettes from Nintendo in exchange for the turmoil that the company has caused her family. She also believes that once she wins the settlement, she will give Stephen a few dollars to buy some necessities and this will help teach him that stealing is wrong.

When asked why Stephen brazenly stole the cigarettes from behind the checkout of the local Walmart before attempting to dash out the door his response was: “Ma was bitchin all day about not having no cigs and she told me to find some for her, so I found them at the store.”

Oil Disaster Pummels Small PA Town

The latest in a series of disasters has humbled a small town in Northeastern, PA. Naticoke, Pennsylvania which was well known in the their region for being a major coal mining town in the 1930's was sent into a state of shock and panic this weekend. What was recently the scene of village-wide celebration in honor of the grand opening of a new Applebee's restaurant has turned into a nightmare for many of the town's four thousand plus citizens. On Sunday, June 27th 2010 at approximately 2:45 PM disaster struck when an Applebee's delivery truck capsized spilling nearly twenty-three tons of an oil like substance throughout the town's main shopping district and town square. All four businesses, including the local beer distributor were affected by the spill. The town had already been suffering from problems with sewage backup due to a lack of funding for the work force. Now with the spill, the conditions have intensified exponentially as the town is filled with what can only be described as sludge. According to one very respected local citizen who wished to remain anonymous: "I seen some bad shit happen here, but I ain't seen nothing like this."

According to reports from Applebee's, the spill was not the fault of the company but was caused by the poor conditions of the roads in this hilly Pennsylvania town. Applebee's was gearing up for a huge grand opening including all you can eat chili cheese fries set to begin on Monday, June 28th at 6:45 PM. Now what was once the biggest event in town history has turned into the worst disaster in Nanticoke since the tragic fire at the We Got Beer distributor in 1985 where over three thousand cases of the local favorite beer, Steigmeir was lost causing riots and destruction.

As of Monday morning, June 28th not much has been done to remedy the situation. The scene of the town is somber, to say the least. Many homes which had signs adorning their front yards with slogans such as "Chili cheese fries!!!" and "Let's go Appelbes!" have reverted back to their simple decor-less facades as signs are being torn down left and right. There have been reports of local children being stuck in trees as a tee ball field was hit with a tsunami of sludge during a local game on Sunday. Parents on concerned onlookers have surrounded the field from a nearby hill to hold vigil praying for the childrens' safe rescue. No attempt has yet been made to retract the preschoolers from the trees as many of the town's citizens are afraid to set foot in the strange substance. Jim Mackey, a local mechanic who is currently out of work offered this statement from his resting place at the hill overlooking the field: "You gots to be fuckin crazy to try to walk in that shit. I think it's meltin the bottom of the trees". This pretty much sums up the turmoil that parents are forced to deal with as they listen to the wails of their dehydrated children with no hope in sight.

While the spill has largely affected the majority of the town, not all of the residents are viewing this event as painful. Jerry Farbar, owner of the local pierogi shop We Got Pierogis! was not fazed in the least bit when the spill occurred. Farbar, who claims to have tasted the substance has been working around the clock collecting gallon buckets off of the streets and out of the fields. Farbar declined an interview, but one local resident reported hearing Farbar yell out "That's fuckin lard and MSG! I ain't gotta buy none for at least a year now!". Whether or not this claim is true cannot be verified. Applebee's has received criticism in the past for offering high-fat unhealthy meals, but still claims that they only use the highest quality pure vegetable oil in their menu-selections.

As this article is being written an update has come in. An Applebee's customer service representative has made a statement that even though the spill was not their fault, they will do everything that they can to help restore order amidst the chaos. The representative confirmed the the board of directors has approved a plan to hand out free spoons and unlimited gallon jugs to any residents who are willing to volunteer to help with the clean-up process. Early reports indicate that every citizen that is able to collect six or more gallons of the oil and return it to Applebee's will receive free chili cheese fries for life with every purchase over $50.00 if Applebee's decides to go forward with the opening of this latest franchise after the situation is resolved.

Marge Dowdy, the local cobbler's wife has stated that she will encourage her husband to aid in the cleanup starting tomorrow. Today is Marge's 54th birthday and her and her husband had planned a special night of chili cheese fries consumption. In a brief interview, a despondent Marge stated "I guess we'll be goin to fuckin Burger King again. That's what we been doing since the Woolworth's closed down in 88." Unfortunately for Marge, she may have to wait until next year for a special birthday treat. I ask that your prayers remain with the citizens of Naticoke, PA in this horrible time of need.