Apple iPhone 4 Cause for Multiple Tragic Deaths

         In rather disturbing news for mega computer corporation Apple, the company’s latest and highest selling product the iPhone4 has been linked to at least 3 deaths nationwide.  The recently released “do it all” communication device has been subject to negative reviews due to poor performance.  While many complaints have surfaced, sales for the iPhone4 have remained consistent despite a possible lawsuit against Apple for false claims regarding the functionality of the device and the multitude of dropped calls and slow internet browsing.

         This latest news for Apple may be the biggest blow against the iPhone4 as family members and law officials are blaming the deaths of three individuals: John Fraun 44, PA, James Ramdyke 19, WV and William Abnerthy 31, CA directly on the iPhone4.

         According to sources, John Fraun was disgruntled while attempting to speak on his iPhone4 while driving.  Due to the poor service and repeated attempts to contact his potential employer to inform them that he would be late for an interview, Mr. Fraun became extremely agitated. Since he always used his right hand to hold his beers while driving, he was attempting the calls while holding the phone in his left. The frustration caused him to throw his phone violently against the windshield of his car.  The phone ricocheted, striking him in the temple and rendering him unconscious.  He then veered off of the road directly into a tree at a very high speed and suffered life ending injuries as a result of the iPhone4.

         Ramdyke of West Virginia was also killed in a freak accident caused by the iPhone.  While attempting phone sex on one of his favorite hotlines, he realized that holding the iPhone4 in his left hand blocked the internal antennae preventing proper reception. He had complained to friends about this, stating that it was “near impossible and very unsatisfying to masturbate with his left hand”.  After numerous dropped calls and the inability to climax on his favorite hotline, Ramdyke repeatedly rammed his head against his bedroom wall causing severe head trauma and a broken neck.  He was taken off of life support a few days ago.

         Abernathy was also having major problems with the new product, and after spending $300 for the phone, plus $700 more for multiple “apps” that didn’t work, he realized that he did not have the money that he needed for his monthly rent and was in danger of eviction.  Sadly, he committed suicide by hanging, leaving a very brief note stating “Fuck Apple and fuck the iPhone!  You ruined my god damn life you bastards!”

         This is a very tragic story that could have been easily avoided if only Apple produced a product that lived up to expectations.  All three families are expected to meet in order to file a wrongful death suit against Apple Corp.  I wish them the best in their time of tragedy and while I don’t usually offer subjective opinions, I hope that Apple suffers for causing the deaths of these three innocent people.