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Lebron James Signs Contract with Dubai.

NBA uber-star Lebron James will hold a six hour press conference tonight to announce his imminent signing with the country of Dubai to play in the NBA beginning in the 2010-11 season. 

According to reports, James will sign a three year 171 million dollar contract with the Dubai King James with hopes of league approval to make the King James a real NBA franchise.  While media speculation over the last week has had Lebron landing in either Chicago, Miami or Cleveland, not many outside of Lebron’s camp have listed Dubai as a possible destination. 

In an early morning pre-press conference press conference from his man-made island in Dubai, Lebron was willing to offer some details on the deal before it is made official tonight:

“I just want to win.  Winning is the most important thing to me and looking over my options, Dubai offered the best chance.  I couldn’t find another city that was willing to commit itself to me fully and in order to win international endorsement deals I felt that I had to make Lebron James even bigger than he is now.  Lebron James is no longer just a player, Lebron James is now a team.  Dubai is hot in the press for celebrity vacations and I’m the biggest celebrity in the history of celebrities, so how can there be a better fit?”

When asked about the state of the franchise he has signed with Lebron was willing to offer some insights about the future of the NBA’s newest potential team:

“I aint worried about the fact that no-one knows that we got a NBA team in Dubai.  I’m Lebron James.  There aint no NBA without King James.  I read somewhere that places in Africa still got kings ruling over them and now there’s a new king in town.  If the NBA wants to survive, they gotta instate the King James as a franchise.  They have no choice.  It’s all about winning.  I can’t stress that enough.  With my own team I’m gonna win so many scoring titles and MVP awards that there’s gonna be no doubt that King James is the best athlete in the history of athletics.  With this new opportunity, I’m aiming to average over 100 points a game.  No-one’s ever done that.  I’m gonna win the MVP award every year I’m in the league.  I’m gonna win every endorsement deal there is.  I’m gonna be selling food processors, scissors, diapers, penis enlargement gel….the possibilities are endless. 

Under current NBA regulations, team salaries are limited to just over 58 million dollars a year.  James’ deal will be paying him around 57 million a year for the next three years before new salary cap rules are expected to be instated. The fact that, as of right now, James is the only player under team contract does not bother him one bit.

“Lebron James is a winner.  Lebron James aint selfish.  When the Prime minister of Dubai offered to pay me the full fifty eight and a half million dollars per season along with the extra forty million I’m getting for bringing in celebrities and NBA players to buy real estate in Dubai, I said no.  I don’t need that kind of attention.  I know they can bring in dudes off the street to play with me for free and I’d still win scoring titles, but that aint what I’m about.  I want players around me who know how to play.  I’m even willing to pay out of my own pocket to fill the roster with dudes making the league minimum to get the right team around me.  I won championships in middle school with dudes that didn’t know how to play.  This is the NBA and I’m ready to take it to the next level. That’s all I’m saying for now.  There’s lots more to it, but I’m not revealing anything else until my pay-per-view signing blowout special tonight.  This aint even official until I announce it to the world tonight.  You guys wanna know where Lebron James is gonna be playing next year?  Order the special.”

Lebron is expected to make his decision official on national television on Thursday, July 8, 2010 sometime between 7:00 PM and 1:00 AM eastern standard time in between performances from Jay-Z and timeshare infomercials.  The special will be available for all international cable customers for $39.99.  Please contact your local cable provider for more details.

Heat Wave Crippling my Writing Skills

     I want to take this opportunity to apologize to my six readers for not posting anything new the past few days.  Our air conditioning has shit out at the worst possible time and the resulting puddles of sweat on my keyboard has made it increasingly difficult to type.  I do have some leads on a few good stories for later in the week, but it's taking all that I have just to get these words out.  I'm off to Sunoco to get some more ice for my balls and I'll try my best to get back to work within the next day or two.

Possible Cause for Marijuana Addiction Revealed

        In groundbreaking new research, scientists at world-renowned Oxford University in Oxford, England have discovered that patchouli oil may be the cause for marijuana addiction.

Extensive studies have been conducted over the past twelve years linking the use of the semi-popular fragrance to that of marijuana smoking.  In order to complete the experiment, scientists and volunteers have been encouraged to bring in anyone off of the street who smells like patchouli.  Out of over two thousand test subjects, nearly fifty-six percent of the wearers of patchouli were stoned at the time. 

Considering the percentages, the scientists have theorized that the use of patchouli oil may cause the desire to smoke marijuana.  Head researcher, Professor Alexander Julia is intending on warning people all over the world of the dangers of patchouli. He encourages anyone interested in the scent to consider the options and the possibility of drug addiction before using.  With this revolutionary experiment completed, the same scientists are moving on to their next experiment in hopes of solving the major drug use problem plaguing the UK; determining whether the use of incense may also be a cause for addiction.  New updates will be revealed as they come in.

Details on Newest Paris Hilton Scandal.

Beverly Hills, CA.  Paris Hilton, A-list Hollywood actress and star of the hit films Bottom’s Up and The Hottie and The Nottie was involved in a scandalous, embarrassing incident on Wednesday morning June 30, 2010 that may jeopardize the mega-thespian’s future career. 

At approximately 6:44 AM, Ms. Hilton was seen leaving a 7-11 convenience store on the outskirts of Beverly Hills.  According to reports, the actress was on her way home from an overnight session on Sunset Boulevard where she was researching a potential film role of an alcoholic prostitute when she quickly veered into the convenience store’s parking lot, double-parked and shambled into the store at an extremely brisk pace.

Rageesh Patell, the store’s owner and manager was on duty at the time and reports that Paris did not buy a single item from the store.  He claims that she bee-lined directly into the Unisex restroom where she stayed with the door locked for approximately four minutes. 

I was able to contact Mr. Patell about this potentially harrowing situation for Ms. Hilton.  Below is a transcript from the instant message interview conducted this morning:

Me: Good morning Mr. Patell.  Can you describe in detail Ms. Hilton’s visit to your store this morning?

Patell: Yes.

Me: OK….

Patell: Yes?

Me: Please describe what transpired in your store this morning.

Patell: What means teanspired?

Me: What happened when Paris Hilton visited your store today?

Patell: She run into store and run into bathroom.  She keep door locked and stay in there long time.  When she leave she come out with sunglasses on and hurry out of store.

Me: Was there anything unusual about Ms. Hilton’s appearance upon entering or leaving your store?

Patell: Yes.

Me: Explain, please

Patell: she was walk very funny when she come in like with legs together and she slam door to bathroom.  When she leave I go into bathroom to check and there was toilet paper on the floor and there was funny smell like dog poo mixed with pencil shavings.  My wife buy paris Hilton perfume at TJ Maxx on sale last week and bathroom smell like that but with other funny smell.

Unfortunately, at this point in the interview I lost connection with Mr. Patell and was unable to resume. 

From the information gathered, it appears as though Ms. Hilton was simply at the store to use the public restroom for personal reasons.  Paris Hilton is refusing to comment on the situation although reports have surfaced that there is surveillance footage of her entering and leaving the grimy bathroom.  A statement was released by one of Hilton’s publicists regarding this embarrassing incident.  We are the first official media source to have a copy of this statement.

According to the publicist: “It is a sad day in America when my client would be accused of using a public restroom to use the toilet.  I’d like to assure everyone concerned that Ms. Hilton would never demean herself in such a manner and she was not, I repeat, was NOT at the convenience store to perform the disgusting deed that the media is implying.  There is a simple and logical explanation for this occurrence and it is my job to clarify that Paris was simply using the bathroom to snort cocaine.  She was recovering from a long night of research and needed a bit of a boost in order to make it home.  Paris would like to ensure all of her fans that this is one hundred percent true and she has never used a common person’s bathroom for any purpose other than to ingest drugs. She is disgusted by these implications and wishes to have her name cleared.  As a result of these reports, Ms. Hilton is under an extreme amount of duress and has consulted a family doctor.  In order to help her recover, the Doctor has tripled Ms. Hilton’s Xanax prescription for anxiety and doubled her Vicodin prescription for the tension headaches that she has been suffering since this morning.  Ms. Hilton will spend the next few days at her home in recovery. She would like to move on with her productive career and leave this discomforting event behind her.  Thank you for your support during this terrible time.”

As soon as any other news surfaces, I will be on top of reporting and keeping everyone updated.  How this will affect Paris Hilton’s image is yet to be seen.

         

Blog Sites Suck Ass

I've been running this blog for nearly 12 hours now and I've yet to make a goddamned cent!  This piece of shit blog site even managed to somehow fuck up the formatting of my last article.  Who the hell reads blogs anyway?  Obviously no-one b/c I've only got 3 followers.  It's a damn disgrace.  Now start reading my news articles and help me to change my opinion about blogging sites.

Nine Year Old Kleptomaniac Arrested Again; Mother Blames Nintendo Wii.

Des Moines, Iowa. In a rather strange and disturbing case, a nine year old boy was arrested on June 28, 2010 for stealing cigarettes from a local WalMart. Although the boy is only nine years of age, he has had an extensive history of stealing beginning at the age of three. This latest arrest is the fifty-fourth time that Stephen Hulk or “Stealin Stevie”, as his friends and family members refer to him, has been caught shoplifting in the past six years. Counselors who have been working with the boy for the past few years believe that he has stolen more than one thousand items from stores and are looking into treatment options for Kleptomania, a condition where a person has a compulsion to steal without reason.

Stephen’s mother, Andrea Krame has a different explanation for her boy’s actions and is in the process of attempting to file suit against the videogame company Nintendo. Andrea claims that her son is not a Kleptomaniac, but rather has been influenced to steal by the popular children’s game “Animal Crossing” manufactured by Nintendo.

“Stealin Stevie’s always been a weird kid, but there’s no way in hell he’s one of those Klepto freaks. I know what’s going on here and them damn videogames is the cause for him stealing.” This is the response that Andrea had given when she was called to the police station to pick up her son this morning.

According to Andrea, Stephen has been playing the game “Animal Crossing” extensively for the past 6 months on a Nintendo Wii that he had stolen from a local neighbor’s house. Andrea says that Stephen discovered a “cheat code” for the game in a file on a computer that he had recently stolen. The code allows for players to enter a series of numbers which will then allow all of the collectible items in the game to be had for free. Another quote from Andrea sheds some light on her viewpoint of the game and it’s cause for Stephen’s erratic behavior: “What the hell are they thinking teaching kids that they can get whatever they want for free? That shit ain’t right and that’s why my little angel’s been getting arrested all of the time. Nintendo is wrong and those Japs are gonna pay for my familiy’s suffering.” Andrea is seeking a claim of Twenty-five million dollars and thirty thousand cartons of “Kool” cigarettes from Nintendo in exchange for the turmoil that the company has caused her family. She also believes that once she wins the settlement, she will give Stephen a few dollars to buy some necessities and this will help teach him that stealing is wrong.

When asked why Stephen brazenly stole the cigarettes from behind the checkout of the local Walmart before attempting to dash out the door his response was: “Ma was bitchin all day about not having no cigs and she told me to find some for her, so I found them at the store.”